Writings of an experience at The Infidelity Recovery Centre ....
From the people I talk to this comes up a lot. Their spouse will say this to them when they voice that they are still hurting over the affair. They will say they are still in pain over the affair and maybe the affair ended over a year or two years ago. Their spouse will then say to them, “But, I’m not doing it now.” Like we shouldn’t be in pain over something they are no longer doing.
I heard a story today that I really liked. Say you were severely burned causing you tremendous pain over a large part of your body. You end up in the hospital burn unit for months. To heal from this takes a LONG time. Would you really say to this person that you can clearly see is in pain, “Why are you in pain? No body is burning you now?” That would be ridiculous! Recovering from affairs is like recovering from burns. It’s a LONG SLOW PAINFUL process that one just doesn’t get over just because they aren’t doing it right now. And in it’s wake is left many scars.
The Wayward spouse needs to realize this point. We aren’t just going to “get over it” or sweep it under the rug. It takes YEARS to get over an affair. I’m talking over 3!!!! You can’t expect someone only one and a half years out from D-Day to just be “fine”. This just isn’t going to happen. At one year out I was still in pain EVERY DAY!! I was depressed, angry, hurting, devastated, etc. Was an emotional mess most of this year. I couldn’t focus on anything. Had to go on med’s just to function.
At 2 years out I was still VERY angry, mean, had my wall up, wouldn’t let him back into my heart, felt NO love for him at all, would have gladly left him if it wasn’t for the kids, and was still in pain at times. At times I think I really did hate him.
At 3 years out I was finally getting better. I didn’t have as much anger, I wasn’t nearly as depressed, my wall was about half down, we are starting to get along better, I have way more good days then bad ones, I’m still not “in love” with him but I don’t hate him either.
Today marks my 4th year. I found out on July 21, 2004. Today is MUCH better. I am not angry, we can talk about the affair without pain and anger. I can talk about it without getting upset or getting depressed. I am still working on letting down my wall and letting him back fully into my heart. I am still not “in love” with him like I want to be. You know the romantic heart swelling kind. I’m hoping that at year 5 I can say that I am truly in love with my husband that way. I got for DAYS without even thinking about the affair. When we do have disagreements it’s never about the affair and we hardly ever talk about it anymore.
I truly believe that it takes well over 3 years to FULLY recover from an affair. Now, everyone is different and has a different healing timeline. We did have counseling on and off during this time. We did the first whole year but not so much after that. Maybe had we done some things differently my timeline would be different. Not feeling “in love” with my husband does bother me, but I think I’m still blocking those feelings because I may believe that if I feel those feelings again then I’m saying that his affair was okay with me. I have to get past this belief and then I believe I will have those feelings for him again. I do plan on working on that this year because I do want those heart swelling feelings of love again.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Relationship In Lesson : A Guide In Dealing With Infidelity | How Your Spouse Can Help With Your Pain
A reciting from The Infidelity Recovery Centre,
Here are some things that I have learned along this rough road of recovery. Now, I do realize that not every spouse is really going to do these things. I just wish they would and that they would realize how much it would affect the marriage if they did.
To rid yourself of the pain of your spouse’s affair, is to have your spouse really listen to your hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel your hurt. We need them to bring up the affair, and let us know it’s on their mind too, so that we know we aren’t alone in our pain. The more they pay attention to our pain, the less we will pay attention to it.
I know our spouse’s probably want to run away from our pain because it causes them pain too. They might think, what good can come of us “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them listen to our pain and hurt and really hearing us, will make us feel closer to them and the pain less intense.
We need them to NOT try and cheer us up but to really own the pain we are in. To really feel what we are feeling and to verbally say, “I did this to you and I’m truly sorry.” We need to be able to go to them as often as we need to with our pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” We should be able to talk about the affair whenever we need to and have them willing be there for us with support and NOT anger.
Really, just listening, with empathy, will help us heal and feel closer to them. Sometimes we are so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that we fell as though we are never going to get any better. All we are doing is burying our hurt just to be triggered again. The more we talk about our hurt and pain to spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. This is a great way to stop the hurt.
So, if your spouse asks if there is anything they can do to help you, tell them YES there is! You can tell them that listening and empathizing are the most powerful healing gestures they can make. This will go right through our sense of combativeness and isolation and encourages us to reconnect with them.
My marriage coach told me that I needed time, antidepressants and my husband meeting my needs for my pain. I did all this and my husband tried to meet my needs but my pain was still there. I was made to believe that bringing up the affair wasn’t doing any good and to leave it alone. I had hurt and anger that I had no idea what to do with.
My husband should have been told to draw out my hurt, anger, and pain EVERY DAY, and to own it all! Then, once I was hurting much less and we were connected again, THEN address the issues in the marriage BESIDES the affair.
Here are some things that I have learned along this rough road of recovery. Now, I do realize that not every spouse is really going to do these things. I just wish they would and that they would realize how much it would affect the marriage if they did.
To rid yourself of the pain of your spouse’s affair, is to have your spouse really listen to your hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel your hurt. We need them to bring up the affair, and let us know it’s on their mind too, so that we know we aren’t alone in our pain. The more they pay attention to our pain, the less we will pay attention to it.
I know our spouse’s probably want to run away from our pain because it causes them pain too. They might think, what good can come of us “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them listen to our pain and hurt and really hearing us, will make us feel closer to them and the pain less intense.
We need them to NOT try and cheer us up but to really own the pain we are in. To really feel what we are feeling and to verbally say, “I did this to you and I’m truly sorry.” We need to be able to go to them as often as we need to with our pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” We should be able to talk about the affair whenever we need to and have them willing be there for us with support and NOT anger.
Really, just listening, with empathy, will help us heal and feel closer to them. Sometimes we are so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that we fell as though we are never going to get any better. All we are doing is burying our hurt just to be triggered again. The more we talk about our hurt and pain to spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. This is a great way to stop the hurt.
So, if your spouse asks if there is anything they can do to help you, tell them YES there is! You can tell them that listening and empathizing are the most powerful healing gestures they can make. This will go right through our sense of combativeness and isolation and encourages us to reconnect with them.
My marriage coach told me that I needed time, antidepressants and my husband meeting my needs for my pain. I did all this and my husband tried to meet my needs but my pain was still there. I was made to believe that bringing up the affair wasn’t doing any good and to leave it alone. I had hurt and anger that I had no idea what to do with.
My husband should have been told to draw out my hurt, anger, and pain EVERY DAY, and to own it all! Then, once I was hurting much less and we were connected again, THEN address the issues in the marriage BESIDES the affair.
Relationship In Lesson : A Guide In Dealing With Infidelity
An interesting topic that stumbled upon for those who are in search for help ...
Infidelity is one of the most painful issues that a couple can deal with. There are feelings of betrayal, worry, anxiety and anger that swirl out of control after finding out that a lover has been unfaithful. Since everyone has different personalities it is very difficult to have a one size fits all plan to mend the relationship and return the couple to a loving plateau. This is not to say that it is impossible, but something that must be addressed with care and caution! Here is a little more about fixing a relationship after infidelity.
Dealing with infidelity is a complicated issue, as there are so many thoughts and feelings. In the beginning the person may have trouble believing that their partner would actually have an intimate relationship with another. For others they are angry that their lover has stooped to cheat on them. What ever the specifics it is important that the couple begin repairing the relationship immediately. The longer the gap in time, the less likely the couple is to have a positive and healthy relationship. In order to move from pure anger to a forgiving mode the first step is in the admittance that there is a problem. Obviously there is something in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Counseling or mediation can help tremendously in this area because there is an unbiased third party that helps the couple sort through the issues.
Another effective tool for dealing with infidelity is for the couple to address their lifestyle and interfering factors. In many cases it is outside forces that cause one partner to be unfaithful to the other. It may be a co-worker, financial troubles or simply issues between the couple themselves. If these issues can be pointed out and addressed the couple stands a chance of surviving. Of course the other man or woman must be completely removed from the picture. There can be no contact of dealings with the offending party, because there will be years of mistrust and jealousy within the relationship. This is a given and must be the first thing to change! In cases where the “other” woman or man is a fixture in life it is important to set clear boundaries. Any contact or dealings must be purely business and not personal contact or conversation.
The jealousy and mistrust that ensues after an extra marital affair is sometimes one of the most difficult things to over come. There is generally issues of questioning, checking up on and other behaviors that reassure the offended party. This is normal and only to be expected. The couple that is working on their relationship after an affair must have an open book policy. No secrets and they must weather the storm of questioning, without hesitation or getting angry. This is important because it is the only way that trust can be rebuilt. Time and honesty will allow the couple to continue with their relationship, but without it they will likely perish.
Infidelity is one of the most painful issues that a couple can deal with. There are feelings of betrayal, worry, anxiety and anger that swirl out of control after finding out that a lover has been unfaithful. Since everyone has different personalities it is very difficult to have a one size fits all plan to mend the relationship and return the couple to a loving plateau. This is not to say that it is impossible, but something that must be addressed with care and caution! Here is a little more about fixing a relationship after infidelity.
Dealing with infidelity is a complicated issue, as there are so many thoughts and feelings. In the beginning the person may have trouble believing that their partner would actually have an intimate relationship with another. For others they are angry that their lover has stooped to cheat on them. What ever the specifics it is important that the couple begin repairing the relationship immediately. The longer the gap in time, the less likely the couple is to have a positive and healthy relationship. In order to move from pure anger to a forgiving mode the first step is in the admittance that there is a problem. Obviously there is something in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Counseling or mediation can help tremendously in this area because there is an unbiased third party that helps the couple sort through the issues.
Another effective tool for dealing with infidelity is for the couple to address their lifestyle and interfering factors. In many cases it is outside forces that cause one partner to be unfaithful to the other. It may be a co-worker, financial troubles or simply issues between the couple themselves. If these issues can be pointed out and addressed the couple stands a chance of surviving. Of course the other man or woman must be completely removed from the picture. There can be no contact of dealings with the offending party, because there will be years of mistrust and jealousy within the relationship. This is a given and must be the first thing to change! In cases where the “other” woman or man is a fixture in life it is important to set clear boundaries. Any contact or dealings must be purely business and not personal contact or conversation.
The jealousy and mistrust that ensues after an extra marital affair is sometimes one of the most difficult things to over come. There is generally issues of questioning, checking up on and other behaviors that reassure the offended party. This is normal and only to be expected. The couple that is working on their relationship after an affair must have an open book policy. No secrets and they must weather the storm of questioning, without hesitation or getting angry. This is important because it is the only way that trust can be rebuilt. Time and honesty will allow the couple to continue with their relationship, but without it they will likely perish.
Friday, March 6, 2009
In Pursuit of Happyness
The title of this post is not a typo error but it is actually the title of one of my alltime favourite movies which was based on a true story. The story is about pure determination to succeed in life against all odds and achieving it till the peak.
For some time I have been going through a lot within myself in constant struggle to free myself out from a certain crisis that surfaced some months back. Every happy moment was limited to number of hours of a week and the rest were indulged in sadness, anger, anguish, fights and quarrels. I have been straining my energy into wasteful events lately and I feel completely drained thus creating an unwanted and unhealthy mindset. Every issue had a lead back to those events and eventually flowed out a series of setbacks. Current financial turmoil and the complete crippling factor of not having a transportation have sunken into me. The troubles and woes seem to be flowing freely in my veins and every outcome of result is going nowhere good but somewhere bad. It had taken a great toll on myself, my family, my work or intended project and other elements significantly related to it. Many statements and pondering with much "ifs" and "buts" were scattered around making me dwell well in the home of woes. To be frank, I am not a deservingly resident in this home, just a temporary tenant.
I have decided to come out of it with a mode of transportation called "Take It Easy" and I believe that it will drive me out. It may be a bumpy road ride but as long as it takes me out of that "home", I know I will be a level headed resident elsewhere. Setting priorities and adhering to it have been a norm and it was used to be set according surroundings and situations but now it will be set on a single objective. My life matters to me as it gives the soul to see, hear, feel and touch and the reality aspect, many come and go, pass by and leave. Nothing can dictate that but one can dictate their own perspective. If someone hates me today, I will let it be and not make any efforts just to please them. If there is good that the person sees in me, then it would eventually carve their path towards me. I have a heavy task of rebuilding my life, stature and stand. This stage will be the most tedious but is never impossible.
It may surprise some that of my perception now or even may draw unwanted reception but as far as it concerns, it will be an external event and not a factor. I may have a great affection towards some people but that feeling will remain as it is, not allowing it to eat through me anymore. Life being shattered into a million pieces can always be patched in various patterns to move towards a new direction. Nothing is really lost in fact should the standing goal remains as the final drive in my path. Everything around me may seem bleak now now but I have seen the slightest ray of redemption and would want that light of hope to guide me through my path In Pursuit of Happyness.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Beautiful Piece
I was scrambling through some thoughts of a song that I would really wanna play, just to refresh my good ol' "self jamming" days until a tune hit me and kept ringing. Didn't have the song in my iTunes but managed to get the lyrics and started going through it all over again. The following are the words penned by Albert Hammond and Diane Warren in 1988 for a beautiful song by Chicago:
Though it wouldn't matter, if we didn't stay together
And if it was over, maybe it was for the better
I was thinking I'd be alright, 'til I thought it all through
Now I know that I ain't really living,
If I have to live without you
Chorus:
I don't want to live without your love,
I don't want to face the night alone.
I could never make it through my life,
If I had to make it on my own.
I don't want to love nobody else,
I don't wan to find somebody new.
I don't want to live without your love,
I just want to live my life with you.
Guess I had to go away, so much I had to go through.
Guess I had to lose you, to know how much I love you.
Can we make the fire burn again, burn a little stronger?
Cause I've been alone, and baby,
and I can't be alone now any longer.
Chorus
Oh, if I could make it on my own,
My life would never be the same.
My love would never be the same,
I don't want to live without your love
Chorus
Nice piece of work .....
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Fabulous Sunday
Sunday, the 15th of February 2009 will be a well remembered day. It was the day that good things happened for the better and sealed many gapping holes in my life. This is being more directive to being forgiven and accepted by my mother in law. My heart was much relieved after the unorthodox session with her which taught me some finer lessons in life. I guess that part of the day relieved many around especially my wife whom have been kept in a difficult position and which I am completely sorry.
"Lessons are learnt everyday, the good ones come the hardest way" - JRR
The events of the day started with the above mentioned and followed by with a water splashing time with my wife, son, sis in law, Amy and her boyfriend John whilst Dad in Law sat by the side with his mom.
The night took off with a simple dinner and "open table" time and it was so much of fun having lots of people (relatives and friends) around. The kids, Christian, Mabel, Alex, Sidney and Scottie were the reasons of the lively atmosphere and of course, the high decibels while the others whom were there, Lee, An, Gladys, Harrison, Florence and the two visitors from Indonesia were in the same mood but on a adult basis. My camera was clicking away with An and Lee having much fun with it.
My Terri made a two-tier cake which was the birthday cake blown on that night, highlighting Alex's turning of age but it was also a joint celebrations of Terri and her twin Florence whom were turning a year older in the next few days but it looked for like 5 little kids having a bash on their own. The night went on with a Baskin & Robins ice cream fiesta and some table top games.
It was indeed a great night for all of us and especially for Terri and me.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A Nice Memory .... From Germany
I had finally got hold of the images that were produced on my one and only project for the pathetic year of 2008. It was the most difficult shoot that I've worked on in my 14 years of film and photo production career and till today, the painstaking process of the project still haunts me.
This project is still a significant part of my career and life, and which will carry a great fusion of mixed feelings. Looking at the results, makes me live in an oblivion of accomplishment gravity.
For those who read these, be prepared to be mesmerised by the images .....
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