Relationship In Lesson : A Guide In Dealing With Infidelity | How Your Spouse Can Help With Your Pain

A reciting from The Infidelity Recovery Centre,

Here are some things that I have learned along this rough road of recovery. Now, I do realize that not every spouse is really going to do these things. I just wish they would and that they would realize how much it would affect the marriage if they did.

To rid yourself of the pain of your spouse’s affair, is to have your spouse really listen to your hurt and absorb it. Not get defensive, but to really hear and feel your hurt. We need them to bring up the affair, and let us know it’s on their mind too, so that we know we aren’t alone in our pain. The more they pay attention to our pain, the less we will pay attention to it.

I know our spouse’s probably want to run away from our pain because it causes them pain too. They might think, what good can come of us “always” talking about our pain and grief except to hurt and punish me? But, having them listen to our pain and hurt and really hearing us, will make us feel closer to them and the pain less intense.

We need them to NOT try and cheer us up but to really own the pain we are in. To really feel what we are feeling and to verbally say, “I did this to you and I’m truly sorry.” We need to be able to go to them as often as we need to with our pain and to really be heard. No more, “Let’s not talk about the affair anymore.” No more, “Let the past stay in the past.” We should be able to talk about the affair whenever we need to and have them willing be there for us with support and NOT anger.

Really, just listening, with empathy, will help us heal and feel closer to them. Sometimes we are so worried about NOT bringing it up anymore and trying to move past this, that we fell as though we are never going to get any better. All we are doing is burying our hurt just to be triggered again. The more we talk about our hurt and pain to spouse’s that are willing to put aside their defenses and justifications and are willing to own our pain and feel our anguish, the more we heal and the less we hurt. This is a great way to stop the hurt.

So, if your spouse asks if there is anything they can do to help you, tell them YES there is! You can tell them that listening and empathizing are the most powerful healing gestures they can make. This will go right through our sense of combativeness and isolation and encourages us to reconnect with them.

My marriage coach told me that I needed time, antidepressants and my husband meeting my needs for my pain. I did all this and my husband tried to meet my needs but my pain was still there. I was made to believe that bringing up the affair wasn’t doing any good and to leave it alone. I had hurt and anger that I had no idea what to do with.

My husband should have been told to draw out my hurt, anger, and pain EVERY DAY, and to own it all! Then, once I was hurting much less and we were connected again, THEN address the issues in the marriage BESIDES the affair.