Relationship In Lesson : Surviving Infidelity | Can It Really Be Done?

From The Infidelity Centre ...

Can someone really survive infidelity in his or her marriage? I totally believe that you can survive infidelity, as long as it’s not repeated over and over with a spouse that has no remorse. But if your spouse is very remorseful and is very willing to work on the marriage and there isn’t history of infidelities, then yes, you your marriage can survive infidelity.

Know that you are not alone in this fight. About 80% of marriages will fall victim to infidelity. Surviving infidelity can actually make a marriage stronger, however, it’s a very personal choice if you stay in the marriage or leave it. Make sure you make that decision yourself and that you are not influenced by others. I wouldn’t even make that decision for a full year so that you aren’t making a choice from emotions. If you are willing to work hard and long then here are 6 strategies for getting past the devastation pain of infidelity.

* You’re going to have to try and be calm and collective. You can’t be flying off the handle in screaming rages towards your spouse. No one said this was an easy road to take. You are going to want to know details of the affair and if you fly off the handle and rage towards your spouse, he or she is no longer going to be very forth coming in information when they know you are just going to bite their head off every time. If you are discussing the affair and find you can’t take it anymore, remove yourself from the situation and come back to it when you have had a chance to calm down. Vent to others, friends, forums, counselors, etc. not your spouse.

* Be compassionate towards how your spouse is feeling. Now this one is VERY hard but it still needs to be done. Even though you are hurting very deeply, chances are so is your spouse. They are realizing the impact of what they have done and seeing how much pain you’re in, how much pain the family is in, and everyone that is involved. They most likely thought they would never be caught and that it wouldn’t really hurt anyone. They love to justify what they are doing, even though it’s usually irrational. Their pain isn’t the same as yours and never will be. But be understanding to their pain as well. Remember to keep in mind the goal is to save your marriage, not tear it apart even further.

* Find support. Going through this alone can be extremely hard. There are support groups out there for betrayed spouses. It was one of the best things I ever did and I think it greatly improved the odds for my marriage surviving. If you can’t find a local support group, then find one online. Just make sure you reach out and find others that have gone through what you are going through so that they can help you through the low times. I would also strongly advise to getting couples therapy and individual counseling. You can never have too much help, as long as it’s for saving your marriage. Make sure you stay away from those that want you to leave.

Here are the remainder of the six steps to surviving infidelity.

Work on some of the most glaring problems in the marriage. The ones that don’t have anything to do with the affair. Try and really work through these problems and strive for a stronger marriage. This was hard for me because I felt that I had to do all this work and try and change when I didn’t even do anything wrong. But try and not feel this way. Know that this is for the benefit of the marriage. Work on meeting each other’s most important emotional needs. Work with your counselor when discussing sensitive issues. Remember you want to build a stronger marriage and make it as affair proof as possible.

Be honest. This is very important. Be honest with your spouse about your feelings. Don’t use honesty as a way to stick it to your spouse. There is a right way and wrong way of being honest. You don’t use honesty as a way to hurt your spouse. But, you want to make sure you are honest in how you are feeling. If you don’t, you will find that you are building up anger and resentment, which poisons marriages. Don’t fall in this trap. Tell your spouse how you are feeling whether it be angry, sad, devastated, hurt, betrayed, etc. You can say these things in a matter of fact way without sounding accusatory.

Learn to have fun together! Try and remember back to when you two were first dating. What did you both love to do together? Find things that you both love to do and do them! Do things that make you laugh and feel good. Do this as much as possible. My husband and I found a comedy club and we went EVERY weekend for months because we laughed there and we have very found memories of that place now. We still go, just not every single weekend. But you have to find something that you both love doing and make sure you do them. At first that was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted my marriage to get better so I made myself go. Now I’m so l glad that I did. Go have fun together!

This will get you started in the right direction. It’s a long hard road, but if you put your mind to it and really try hard you will succeed!